Ethan's Bear
by JayJayHale
Summary: A story of love, loss, grief and healing told through a teddy bears perspective. One-shot.


A story of love, loss, grief and healing told through a teddy bears perspective. One-shot.

_This is dedicated to my three babies who were lost before we knew them. My daughters are even more special because we know what we have and what we have lost. Children are our gifts._

**Ethan's Bear.**

I remember the first time I saw her. I was sitting in the window watching the world go by when she walked passed. Her honey brown eyes passed over me before moving to the other teddies. But her gaze flicked back to me and she smiled. She was beautiful, soft auburn hair that cascaded around her shoulders in soft curls, a pixie nose that turned up at the end and a slightly crooked smile. I hoped that she would buy me and bring me home.

The joy of hearing the bell tinkle when she opened the door was only encompassed by her asking for me. I was picked up and placed in a bag. It was dark and stuffy but I knew I would not be there for long.

She pulled me out a short time later and looked me over.

"He will love you little bear," she whispered touching my nose with her finger. She placed me in a cot and sat down in a mahogany rocker. I looked around. Sky blue walls. White drapes. A mobile with farmyard animals. A photo of her and a man under a flowering crab-apple tree. A woven basket with other teddies in it.

I knew it the moment I saw her. The moment she smiled at me. I was special. I was meant for someone just as special.

Her hands snaked around her belly as she felt him kick for the first time.

"Carlisle," she shrieked, and the man from the photo came running in his face frantic.

"What? What is it?" he asked her. She smiled lovingly at him, grabbing his hand and placing it gently on her stomach. They waited a few minutes before both of them flinched. A wide smile, a soft giggle, a loving embrace.

I sighed as I leaned back against the pillow. A baby. I couldn't have been luckier. I began to day dream of a boy with his green eyes and her auburn hair. Of little fingers pulling roughly at my fur and hugging my tightly. Of secret secrets and wild imaginative stories.

She grew and grew as did her smile. Her hands were permanently wrapped around her bulge rubbing it gently. She would talk to him, cooing s he moved within her and softly singing him lullabies. She loved him before she knew him but then again she did know him.

I watched as they debated about names, about schools and about what he would be like. I loved that she imagined him just as I did. She would come into the nursery and just sit in the rocking chair for hours on end. Sometimes she would fall asleep others she would stare out of the window humming softly to herself.

When friends came over they would proudly show off the nursery and I watched as he protectively rubbed her ever growing belly. This baby was loved.

Then in the middle a scream pierced the stillness and I awoke to being pushed into a bag. I was flung unceremoniously around but I didn't mind. My thoughts were on her. She was breathing heavily, groaning every few minutes. His voice was panicked and it panicked me.

_What was going on?_

_Was she okay?_

_Was the baby?_

A car purred to life and I felt the floor vibrate. Their voices became muted and I struggled to hear them. I was flung around as the car turned the corners to fast but I didn't mind. I was only concerned with them.

The car stopped and I felt the bag being lifted. I heard her grunt, and I wished I could take away her pain. Other voices too quiet to make out buzzed lowly around me. I could pick out his voice and her sounds with ease.

She was crying begging him to help her and my heart broke. Then everything went quiet.

I waited and waited.

Then the most beautiful sound I had ever heard travelled to my ears. A baby crying.

I sighed relieved. He was here. He was really here. My excitement grew as I eagerly awaited our first meeting. Suddenly the bag was ripped open and I was pulled out.

"Ethan, I would like you to meet teddy. He's been waiting for you," her soft voice was music for my heart. My eyes latched onto his and I found he was nothing like I imagined. Deep blue eyes and a quaff of blonde hair.

I fell in love.

I just stared at him all day. He was weighed and dressed. Pictures were taken and family came to look. She would not take her eyes off of him and neither did he. My heart swelled when he held him to his chest and whispered how lucky he was to have a son.

Night fell and I was lucky to have him all by myself. I countered his breaths and watched as his chest rose and fell. Then he stopped all together. I hugged him but his body became cold. I wanted to scream for someone but knew I couldn't.

Suddenly he was picked up and they took him away.

"Dear God let him be okay," she prayed. He clutched her hand and they watched the door. Her prayer became my mantra.

_Let him be okay…let him be okay._

The door opened and a small women in a blue uniform held him in her arms. Her face was streaked with tears.

"I'm sorry…I am so sorry," she stuttered as she gently placed the little bundle in her arms. She looked at the nurse, and then at him confused and scared before she stared down at him.

The emptiness I felt was nothing compared to her scream that pierced the small room. Her sobs ripped through me. She hugged him tightly, her head thrown back as she keened loudly. He held her tightly but he himself was in shock.

I stared at them as time slowed. They took more pictures and they whispered their love into his ear. Her eyes devoured him and his hand caressed the blonde quaff that adorned his tiny head. They placed his feet in ink and pressed it onto a piece of paper. They did the same for his little hand.

They brought him back to me placing him gently down. I hugged him immediately but he was still cold. I stared at him wishing his eyes to open and see me.

_Please. Please look at me. We were supposed to be together. To play pretend and stomp in the mud. I was supposed to watch you grow and learn how amazing this world is. You were supposed to hold me and cuddle me at night. Please. Please cuddle me. Please look at me._

The soft lavender eyelids stayed closed. She picked me up and we both looked down at him. He looked peaceful.

I hugged her as hard as I could wishing I could take her pain again. She clutched at me burying her face into my fur soaking it with her tears.

"How can I go home without my baby?" she whispered to me. I was silent. Not because I couldn't speak but because I didn't have an answer for her.

He walked up behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders. They began to move away and I started to panic.

_Wait, leave me with him. I'm supposed to be with him. He's so tiny. So alone, let me stay with him. Please. He needs me._

They walked slowly out their bodies hunched with grief. Her shoulders shook but no sound came from her. At least none that I could hear. Her grip on me was tight as if she was afraid of losing me too.

She held me on her lap as she stared out of the car window. She seemed lost. I hugged her and she hugged me. I wished I could cry. I wish I could show my pain like she could. I buried my nose into her shoulder and listened to her shaky breaths.

When we got home she immediately went into the nursery. She placed me in the empty cot and sat in the rocking chair. Day turned into night and night into day. She stared out the window and I knew she daydreamed of a baby with a blonde hair and blue eyes. I knew because I daydreamed of him too.

We daydreamed of finger paints, of giggles and his first word. Of cheering when he took his first step and losing his last baby tooth. We dreamed of scraped knees, tantrums and spinning around till we got too dizzy to stand. We dreamed of special smiles and the best of hugs.

Then he came in and knelt beside her. He placed his head in her lap and sobbed. She cried again calling for her boy, her baby, her Ethan.

Days rolled over and then she picked me up again touching my nose with her finger.

"I'm going to need your help today," she whispered as she hugged me. I wondered what was happening, where we were going as the scenery blurred outside the car window. He held her hand tightly as he drove and I was thankful she had him.

"Esme?" his voice was thick as he tried to swallow. He got out and moved around the car to open the door for her. She got out and immediately fell into his arms. I hugged them both but I knew someone was missing.

We moved inside and I felt the room brim with sadness. People moved over to us offering condolences. I barely noticed anyone my eyes trained on a simple box at the front of the room. My heart was torn. I wanted to go to him but she needed me too.

She gripped me tightly as she sat and we listened as the priest murmured how his life was cut short too soon. How much Ethan was loved.

Then he got up, kissing her gently on the cheek and squeezing her hand. I watched as he struggled to compose himself, wiping his tears away with the back of his hand. It did no good, only new ones fell. He cleared his throat and his voice echoed through the room.

"We never had the chance to play, to laugh, to rock, to wiggleWe long to hold you, touch you now, and listen to your 'll always be your mother, and I'll always be your Dad,You will always be our child - the child we never had.

But now you're gone ... but yet you're here. We sense you everywhere,You are our sorrow and our joy. There's love in every know our love goes deep and strong, that we'll forget you never,The child we had, but never had - and yet will have forever.

Yes it is true that you never got to see all that this world flowers, the trees, grass - or a bright sunny day."

His voice broke and he struggled to keep his head up as his sobs overtook him. He managed to walk over to the box, placing his large hand on it.

"My boy, my poor baby boy."

She was shaking as she watched him. I held her as I stared at the box. I made a promise to Ethan.

_I will look after her. She needs me._

We walked slowly out and a woman came up to us slowly. Her face held sadness as she pushed away the auburn hair that fell over her eyes.

"Esme dear," she whispered.

"Mom," she managed before collapsing into her open arms. "It hurts, it hurts so much."

I clutched them both knowing that they both lost moments that they would have held dear. She leant down and whispered in her ear.

"I'll bet he can hear you."

She held me tighter as her mother continued. Her voice carried a far away tone that made me think of him and our daydreams.

"I'll bet he watches you all the time. Maybe he's happy now… maybe some people just aren't meant to be in our lives forever. Maybe some are just passing through… maybe they get it all done faster than the rest of us. They don't need to stick around for a hundred years to get it all right. They get it down real quick… it's like some people just come through our lives to bring us something, a gift, a lesson we need to learn, and that's why they're here. He taught you something, I'll bet…about love, and giving, and caring so much about someone…that was his gift to you. He taught you all that, and then he left. Maybe he just didn't need to stay longer than that. He gave you the gift, and then he was free to move on… he was a special soul… you'll have that gift forever…………………"

She sobbed hard and was passed from her mother to him. They held each other both lost in their grief, but my eyes were on the box that was being lowered into the ground.

She took me home, but I no longer stayed in the nursery. She held me as she slept, and I took in all her tears, pretending they were mine. Slowly as the weeks turned into months, and she stopped crying though the sadness never truly left her eyes. She would often hold me, whispering her pain for my ears only. No one really understood but I did. I listened and tried to comfort her the only way I knew how.

A picture sat on her side table of Ethan, and I would stare at it all day. I would pretend that he was asleep it the nursery and all was well.

Slowly the leaves changed colour as the seasons rolled over. That wasn't the only thing that changed. I sat on the bed and watched as her belly grew round again. Her joy was not profound, her worry etched clearly in her eyes. She would often pace in the room her gaze flicking to the picture of Ethan.

He was also worried, pulling his hands through his hair and tugging at it lightly. They slept fitfully through the last months, and I fretted for both of them.

Then one day they didn't come home. I watched the door wishing that they would walk through. I countered the minutes like I counted Ethan last breaths. Rain fell outside, and my gaze fell back to Ethan. My daydreams were interrupted by the door opening. I heard her cooing, and her steps lightly on the stairs.

As she walked in I saw her carrying a blue bundle. She moved over to the bed and looked at me.

"Say hello to Edward, teddy. Edward, this is teddy."

I stared at him, my heart fluttering as I took in his green-y blue eyes and coppery hair. He was beautiful, but he wasn't Ethan.

Years passed and Edward grew. He had a crooked grin and delicious giggle. The joy in their faces when they looked at him was momentous but I knew part of her heart still ached, like it always would. And I knew he would never forget his first son.

I was never placed in the nursery again. Instead I stayed on the side table keeping my promise to Ethan as I watched over her. Edward had another teddy he cuddled and played with. I was happy where I was, next to his picture. I was happy staring into his blue eyes and daydreaming of our adventures together.

After all I was Ethan's teddy.


End file.
